Roast my LinkedIn post

📬 The post:

Aspiring Creator
Now •
Last year I had a client with a 1MM visits/mo “free tool” page. We reviewed the numbers: 14 sign ups. 😥 There are better ways.
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🍖 Your roast:

Ricky Gervais
Now •
Ah, folks, "1MM Visits... 14 Sign Ups" — sums up LinkedIn in 8 words. That's like saying "billion-dollar potential... no sales" (the real dinosaur age of marketing). Your hook could stop time if broad confusion was Olympic. Actual Ways to Make Your Post Not Cry Like an Eight-Year-Old: 1. Start with a number of words people get — "1 million." Not an algebra problem. 2. Side-step the soap opera — emojis should complement, not dominate. 3. Offer ways, don't just tease us. Your post isn't a choose-your-own-adventure novel. Why dangle solutions like treats without the reach? What are we, digital Labradors? Alright, spill your thoughts below — we'll all pretend like engagement isn't our bread and butter.
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🍖 Your full roast:

Mislead us with Roman numeral-level metrics, sprinkle a sob emoji, and abruptly run off stage. Pure gold, if you’re aiming for bafflement.

Let's get to the hilarity, shall we?

Firstly...

Last year I had a client with a 1MM visits/mo “free tool” page.

Nothing spells riveting like starting with a confusing financial metric! "1MM" — you're sure no one's practicing their Roman numerals here? Feels like we're solving stoner math puzzles on a Tuesday night.

Then...

We reviewed the numbers: 14 sign ups.

Apparently, you'd get better conversions from a doorstop demonstrator at a deserted mall. Maybe hold an award ceremony for each signup? Strictly VIP... just them and their alter ego.

Oh, the tragedy!

😥

Oh yes, the teardrop emoji. Because it's not quite Shakespearean until you've adorned it with a digital sob;

Finally...

There are better ways.

And you leave us dangling at the edge of an abyss. What better ways? Telepathic LinkedIn profiles? Breadcrumbs leading to a treasure chest of values? Give us some closure!

Top Tips for Human-Level Understanding:

  • Clarity: Deciphering your lead line should require neither Sherlock Holmes nor a college education.
  • Emotion: Yes, pour them in without smothering. Let's keep the crying emojis tucked away for news more dire than your post metrics.
  • Format: Dip your words in brevity sauce. Let's chop those chunky paragraphs to savory bites.
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